My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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