i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
