i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
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The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
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So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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