My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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