actually, I'm a sock model
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
