if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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