i was born a porn star she said
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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