____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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