That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
