every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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