dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
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seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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