You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
