After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Two words: nipple clamps
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