if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
