the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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