Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
