i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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