Pregnant stripper...not hot.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
