he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize