Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
