Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
It's Friday. Sex?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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