you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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