He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
