Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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