So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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