There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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