He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
