The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
