dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
