His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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