You smell like stripper and shame
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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