Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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