Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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