Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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