Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
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After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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