Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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