he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
