You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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