Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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