You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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