Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
