Soap is not a condiment
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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