im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
