I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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