We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
