Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
