it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
