so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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