Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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