So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
