Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
