Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
