Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
