bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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